Grace upon Grace

Well, once again it's been a very, very long time since my last post...I don't really have anything deep or exciting to say tonight.  I'm waiting for my husband to get home from work...ugh.  We are still waiting on the mortgage company to find out if we are approved for a loan modification, working on the kitchen with some tax money and rearranging and reorganizing to make this place nice.  The whole process has made me so very thankful for so many things.  It has made me really appreciate just HAVING a house and then it has made me aware of the things that I'm thankful for ABOUT this house, the neighborhood, the nice yard, the tree cover, the space, the location and more.

I made up this printable, feel free to download/save it and print it out and frame it.  It is such a good reminder of what we have to be thankful for, really.  So simply put too...

There it is.  You should be able either to just click it and then right click and save or just right click and save it.  However it works for you, help yourself.  The photo is one that I took on a walk with Benntt and Andrew at the end of our road.  I just love it.  I hope you do too and that you really reflect on the Grace that we have received.

Have a happy night!

Kayla

Changing tides

So, it's been almost two months since I posted last.  Obviously.  But, there has been a lot happening and some big changes taking place in our home.  Just last Friday, Andrew and I found out that there is nothing more the mortgage company can do to help us avoid foreclosure.  That's right, we are in the foreclosure process.  As scary and horrifying as this whole thing is, it is such a time to look to God and His promises of provision, protection and good.  Instead of Andrew or myself playing the blame game or this whole thing separate us it has brought us closer together and more reliant on Christ.

There is so much in Scripture to encourage and comfort one in this kind of situation.  My favorite is one that was brought to memory while Andrew and I were praying together.

^{Matthew 6:25-34}

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdomand his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

What a beautiful reminder!  How true it is.  If the birds always have a home, why would God not lead us to the new place that we are to be.  The whole messy situation that we have gotten ourselves into is such a beautiful picture of God's love and grace.

It has been such a good refining experience for me already.  All of my growing up years I was a strong, confident, "do it myself" person.  After "the summer of letting go" I spiked in my confidence and then just let it all go.  My confidence and security in Jesus just diminished and I relied only on myself and felt that it was my responsibility to right everything and I became afraid.  I have been afraid to answer the phone and talk to creditors, afraid to face my poor choices and decisions etc.  But, after receiving that letter I knew there was nothing else to do but take Jesus's hand and deal with things with boldness and confidence in Him.  So that's what I and Andrew are doing.  We still don't know where we'll go or what we are going to do, but we are taking every action and step that we can in confidence with Jesus.  And looking for His guidance in everything we do.

At the same time that all of that is going on, I am still battling with my anger and impatience, but there is obvious progress being made.  The biggest thing that Jesus is working in me right now is having GRACE.  I am not a very gracious person and He is constantly showing me that I need to extend the same GRACE that Jesus gives me for my mistakes to my sweet, precious, growing boy.

My sweet, sweet boys.  They grow so quickly!

I probably won't post until after Easter, so enjoy your friends and family and remember the GRACE given us on that sweet day!
Thanks for reading!
Kayla

A little bit of soul searching

So I have been going through a book called "Be the Mom" written by Tracey Lanter Eyster, with a fellow young mom friend of mine. It has been a really fantastic read and I am so thankful to be going through it early on in my children's lives. Through the book I have been constantly convicted of a huge problem that I see in myself. Something I don't like to admit to but need to confess in order to conquer...I struggle with anger.

It may not seem to be a big deal, everyone gets angry, but to be perfectly honest with you, I have gotten angry to the point of literally throwing the cat down the stairs...yea, I cried right after over the fact that I have allowed myself to lose control of myself so much.

On that note, with Bennett getting to the age of "testing" and having a new one, I am constantly reminded that I need to gather control of myself so that I avoid any relational problems with Bennett because of my anger. I also do not want to pass on an attitude of anger to him, nor acting/lashing out in anger which I have already seen in his throwing things out of anger.

I so regret my lack of control when I see him get angry. He looks for the closest thing to him and will either take a swing at it or chuck it as best he can. I know this comes from him watching me shove things or throw something out of anger and it so saddens me that this is what he has learned from me.

So in order to teach him to control himself when angry, I first must accomplish this in myself so that I may reflect Jesus in the best way possible to my sweet, impressionable two-year-old. He already learns so much from everything he sees and hears. I have been very intentional in sheltering him from naughty things in movies and forget that I am a bigger influence than TV.

I know that in order to control my anger I need the help of scripture so I looked up some verses on anger and would like to share them with you...

The one that had the most impact on me as I was researching was this, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you."

What a good reminder. I have not been good about accepting the Word that is planted in me, instead I just release as soon as an ounce of emotion stirs up. It is my intention and goal to begin to memorize, and in some cases, re-memorize Scripture. Something I let go of that fatefull summer years ago. I can clearly see a difference in myself when I reflected on the good and the Word I had memorized compared to now, after releasing and a giving up on it.

So in a way, I guess this is a cry-out for prayer and accountability in those things. I hope that this may have been an encouragement to you as well to the importance of memorizing scripture.

And for good measure, here are my sweet, sweet boys again! :-)

Have a happy day!
Kayla

A little past a month

 Little Parker is now one month and one week or so old!  My how time flies!  Big brother sure is proud of him and just tickled to have a baby brother!  I lay Parker on the floor for tummy time and play time and Bennett has so much fun running around him and getting down to that same level to talk to him.  He is such a proud big brother!  Here is a photo update for those of you checking in to see my beautiful, precious boys!

Have a happy day!

Wooftah!

I get into a new routine and then something throws me off.  As I sat down here to make a new post, I couldn't remember where I was at with our love story.  So to review, I shared our meeting story, his first letter to me and a few bits and pieces of other parts.  I think I will share another of his letters to me today.  I don't have a vision for this post, so it is going to go wherever God leads it to go.

This letter is one of those things that brings you back to a certain place, a certain feeling and emotion.  The place this one brings me, and you can come with me, is a cold winter night, bundled up in bed as I read this.  It is close to Christmas so that jolly, joyful, expectant warmth is in the air on top of the cold.  Hold on, here we go...

12/11/06
"Dear Kayla,
There are many things that I'm going to write that I would rather say in person.  First off, when I saw you at your Christmas program I was struck by your beauty.  My gosh!  I can't get over it!  I kept staring thinking the whole time you were up there, wow!  Today at school I couldn't stop thinking about you.  And when I was on my way home on Sunday before I read your letter I kept thinking that I don't deserve to even look at you!  Wow, still can't get over it.  It's not the first time I realized how beautiful you are either.  Dang, I lost my thought...Oh yes, I remember now.  There is a song that Demon Hunter sings that goes 'I found a dark infernal place I don't want to face anymore.'  Well I've found that one dark infernal place that I don't want to face and that is a life without the friendship that I've found with you.  Sounds kinda corny but that's what I've found to be true.

Kayla, I pray to God every day that you will find the right guy that God has for you.  I don't care who he is, but I pray that he will be able to mend your "shattered" heart.  And don't you be too sure that I wouldn't be able to break your heart (not that I want to, far from it!) unless I mean nothing at all to you.  There is just as much chance that I can do it to you.  So be careful, I'm just as human as you are.  You're not the only one that can hurt someone.

You wanted to know if I thought you were the girl for me.  Well I'm going to have to tell you that answer in person.

My letter wasn't meant to make you angry at yourself, and I'm upset that it made you mad/sad.  I was thinking you should be mad at me.  I can't control how you feel and that text was what I needed to see/hear. I reacted wrongly because I was jealous of Jake, you're wrong to beat yourself up.  It was meant to show you how I felt and how I feel.  I care very deeply for you.  I want you to know that.

Don't be sorry that I felt hurt.  I chose to feel that way.  I should be asking you for forgiveness.  So don't hate yourself.  And well I wished I could have talked to you about that in person too...and holding you does sound like something I wish I could do right now!  lol!

No, as far as I know you're not dreaming.  If someone were to pinch you it would probably hurt.  And I don't know why you.  Better question, why me?  What the heck did I do to deserve gaining a friend like you?  I hope that this isn't a 'too good to be true' thing, cause I really don't want it to be.  That would suck!

You know what I'm sick of?  Writing.  I wish I could just talk to you!  This is my fault though so that's another thing I should ask forgiveness for.  Sorry.  Forgive me/

Hey if you ever compare me to Jake, I don't care!  Compare away!  If you feel you need to talk about him, by all means go for it!  It really doesn't bother me, honest.  And if you need to talk about anything else, go ahead.  That's what I'm here for.

Oh man it's late!  Well good night to you as well or whatever.  I'm not grounded anymore so that's a bonus, and I'll be getting my phone back in a week or so!  Well, I love you, and hope to be able to give this to you soon.

Your Special Friend,
Andrew"

Haha, as I was typing, I was realizing all of the things you are probably blanking on that he was touching on.  I think that I will dig out my notes to him (yep, he saved all of them too!) and I will start sharing those ones as well.

As I reread all of these notes, he just blows me away all over again.  While he hasn't changed since this time, life has changed around us and since our situation and relationship has changed, it appears that he may have. In truth though, he is just as dedicated and loyal and loving as this letter.  There isn't a disloyal bone in my man's skinny body!  <3 as="as" day="day" e="e" f="f" him.="him." i="i" is="is" just="just" met="met" more="more" nbsp="nbsp" not="not" p="p" so.="so." that="that" the="the" wonderful="wonderful">
I encourage all of you, whether dating, engaged or married, make a list of all of the things you love about that special someone.  Put it somewhere safe so that in a few years if you are still with them (hopefully so) you can look back on that, especially if things are tough, and it can bring you back to that place of infatuation that I am feeling reliving all of this love.

As I am reminding myself the love of my husband, I am reminded as well that we really should be looking back on Christ's love for us in this same way.  Every single word in that Bible of ours was put specifically to speak to each of us by God the Father.  I love that God refers to himself as our Father.  I get all warm and fuzzy feeling because of that.  I probably have one of the best earthy father figures anyone could ever have.  He is such a picture of the father that I feel God wants us to see him as.  I am very thankful for that.  I really need to make sure to take the time to appreciate the Father that God is to us every day.  I have been very bad about keeping up with my personal quiet time and devotionals.

As I come into a new routine with a new baby and my two-year-old, I have to learn and really make a time to spend time with Jesus.  As much as I have to TAKE the time to do anything else.  It shouldn't be as hard as I make it to take the time for Him.  I have such easy babies and all I do is give myself excuses or else I forget.  It's time to stop that.

Speaking of new routine, I am pretty proud of myself.  I have worked out twice in the last week and I have already lost 20 of my 35 baby pounds!  Woohoo!  I am so excited!  Only three weeks out of the hospital and I am already that close to being pre-Parker!  Then another 35 after that and I will be pre-babies all together!  Next summer, get ready!

Well, thanks for reading again.  I hope I encouraged you in some way, shape or form. It then makes my posts worth it!
<3 p="p">Kayla

Baby Blessings

It's been a while, this time with good reason.  Parker Norman joined our family on November 11, 2012 at 2:15 am.  Weighing in at 7 pounds, 5 ounces and measuring 20 and 1/2 inches, he is healthy as can be and filling out well!

Sweet, isn't he?  He is such a blessing, another very easy baby so far.  It has been quite an experience adjusting to being a family of four and remembering what it takes to care for a new born while trying to keep your two-year old's schedule.  Speaking of our two-year old...

He sure loves his little brother.  He is such a good big brother.  He just beams when he does things he thinks helps.  He likes to turn the vibrator on on the baby chair and push Parker in the baby swing.  He does well after a couple times of having to be reprimanded for being a little bit over-enthusiastic.  He also loves to hold his brother and likes to stand by him and talk to him.  It is just really very sweet.

On the other side of the sweetness though is a whole new adjustment...Bennett is still very unsure of having to share mom and dad and we have been fighting wining and crying and tantrums, things that as of now, I had experienced very little of from our oldest boy.  My patience is definitely being tested and I have to remember to have grace on top of being firm and to be  loving on top of punishing when necessary.  I also am being tested in keeping my anger in check.  He is so frustrating sometimes, it's hard to remember that he is only two and he just doesn't quite understand everything going on and is dealing with it in his own little way.

Look at that proud daddy!  I could not have asked for a better man for myself.  He was so wonderful through the whole labor/birth/delivery/recovery.  He is absolutely amazing and I am so thankful for him!

So the story?  Well, we had friends over on Saturday (I was hoping playing games and laughing would put me into labor if I wasn't already there) to play games and just have some company.  I had been experiencing contractions all day long but they were very inconsistent.  They weren't like any contractions that I had experienced before though, they were very crampy and painful but not intense-you-can't-talk-through-them type.  We played outside and threw the ball back and forth and chased Bennett around the yard some (it was almost 70 degrees out).  So evening comes, Andrew came home a little early from work since he was concerned and I planned on just heading in around 7 pm since baby number 2 is so unpredictable.  

6:30 pm came and I just really didn't want to go in yet so I waited it out a little longer, we played a game or two then decided to watch a movie to see if I could fall asleep and maybe everything would stop.  It got to be close to 10 pm and I finally said, "if these get any worse, I can't do a 30 minute car ride to Amery" so we decided to head in, made arrangements for the dog, called my mom to alert her and off we went.

We got there at almost an 8 (again) and after that it was all hard work.  Parker was much harder to push with than Bennett was.  Mom took notes as to times when everything happened, I may share that another time.  He still only took about an hour and a half of pushing time, everything else was just dealing with the painful contractions.  I pushed a little in the tub but the positions just weren't working for me and my Dr was getting a little bit concerned so she moved me to the bed to push.  It was horrifying for me not to birth in the tub, but it was what was working so I had to.

With Bennett, I was very hands off, let me do this myself kind and with Parker, I HAD to have Andrew touch me somehow.  He was brave enough and self-less enough to get in the tub with me and what seemed the most comforting was laying my head on his shoulder while I tried to push.  I held his hand for a while in one position, but that one didn't last long.  When she moved me to the bed, the best thing was holding his hand and having it touch my face.  There is something so comforting to me to have my husband's hands on my face.

He finally started coming out, and once part of his head made it out he started turning it back and forth.  I cannot describe the pain that caused.  On one hand it was such a relief to know that as he was coming out, there was so much life in the tiny baby that he was moving already, and at the same time, it felt as if the last hour and a half or so was in vain because it felt as though he was sucking back inside...at last, he came all the way out and my first question was "is he still a boy?"  Haha!  Just wanted to make sure!  He sure was, healthy little Parker Norman!

I told Andrew as the ladies took him to get him breathing and cleaned out and all, "Let's not do this again" and he was REALLY taken aback.  He replied with, "What, really?"  We're done?"  I chuckled and said, "No, we have to have more!"  Such a special time, the birth of a child.

Our sons are such blessings, and I am so thankful for both of them and for their wonderful daddy!

a little of him, a little of me

So, re-reading and typing out Andrew's letters to me has brought me back to that infatuation with him, and has been a very good reminder of what it was that just captured my heart.  It has convicted me about my bitterness and resentment that the last three years have promoted in me and is making me check myself.  I am doing a Mom Study with a friend, and we are finding that although the study applies to our "Mommying," at this point in our lives with our little ones being so little still, we are able to apply a lot of it to our marriages more easily than to our parenting.  Tuesday's study touched on Proverbs 31 a little and I have always had a desire to abide by that chapter.  So this morning, I decided to do a little in-depth study of it myself.  Here is what came of that:

Proverbs 31:10-15

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

^10 [a] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.

(Bible Gateway - ESV)

What is Noble Character?
Noble - Excellent, stately, imposing nature...
When I think of noble, I think of kings.  The ones that were honorable, honest and the ones that were worth looking up to.

What does this mean for my life?
"Having or showing qualities of high moral character, such as courage, generosity or honor." -freedictionary.com
Live with high standards - high moral character, being above reproach.  don't be afraid to face trouble, instead have the trust and strength to believe what God says is true.  Even though we may have nothing, don't be afraid to give and share what we do have with others that may be in more need than we.

Can my husband have full confidence in me?
No.  I have not proven myself in accomplishing the household tasks well or even to the best of my abilities.  I let things get out of my control and choose to ignore them.

Have I brought him only good and not harm?
No.  I have been rude, disrespectful and at times bitter toward him.  None of that brings good.  It harms and weakens him and our relationship, marriage and family.

Do I work with eager hands?
Eager - marked by urgent or enthusiastic desire or interest
Enthusiastic - strong warmth of feeling; keen interest; fervor (intensity, passion)
Sometimes.  I am getting better about it, but most often I work with hands of duty.

How can verse 14 apply to my life?
I feel like, we live 5 minutes away from Walmart and the grocery store and I dread going shopping.  It seems like so much work to have to drag Bennett in and out and pack him up and go pick bags and bags and bags up, where in reality, I don't have to go labor for it in the hot, hot sun, I have probably the easiest little guy in the world.  All I have to do is go pick it off the shelves and swipe a card for it.  I need to have a better attitude about it.

While not necessarily getting up before dark, do I get up at a set time, not sleeping in lazily?  Am I diligent about providing square meals for my family?
No.  I really need to start getting up at a regular time, regardless of Andrew getting up then or not.  I need to be better focused on myself instead of feeling resentment because Andrew won't get up.
I'm not.  I have intentions to, but that only goes so far.  I need to buck up and really strive to break through and free from my laziness.

Out of these verses, what do I need to work on, this week, this month, this year?
* Exercising trusting God with my fears
*Conquer household tasks with eagerness and enthusiasm and fervor
*Make a daily schedule and stick to it

So there is a challenge to myself.  Make myself better by God's hand and sculpting.  With all of that said, I want to add a little bit of encouragement/discouragement...As I have STRUGGLED with a horrible, horrible laziness for the last three years, I have come to recognize it and the fact that it has been a stronghold in my house that my husband and I are STILL striving to break free from.  It was revealed to me earlier this year that part of the stronghold sprouted from the roommate that we had living with us.

The discouragement is this, don't allow a live-in.  Whether you are allowing them to "crash" there for a time, or whether you are opening your home to a friend in need.  I don't recommend it.  Some of you can probably work it just fine, others will be in the same situation as Andrew and I were at the time.  We were half-broke, only one of us working, a friend of his was having to find a place and we thought the extra income would help.  The assumption was he would be there for a month or two until he found his own place.  This NEVER happened.  He clung to us, took advantage of us and in turn, the struggles and issues that Andrew and I already had double and continued to multiply because, a.) we were displeasing God according to 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 English Standard Version (ESV),
⁹ I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰ not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. ¹¹ But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 
We were allowing that to LIVE in our house.  Not only associate, but to LIVE with us...and b.) we had no privacy in our own home.  Our "Roomie" had an equal half of everything and was using all of our possessions as well.

It can be argued that we were offering all of this according to God's will, but ultimately, we weren't.  Andrew was doing it out of obligation and I was doing it out of submitting to Andrew with a bitter heart that he wasn't protecting our family and thinking of us first, only this roommate.  Because Andrew and I hadn't been able to break through the laziness before this guy moved in, not to mention had life changing events in the meantime - new baby - basic training, things just got worse and worse.  I would have spouts of strength to break through, but could never fully accomplish this.

Finally in March, I had the strength to take a step of faith and I packed our roommate up and told him to get out.  (This may seem harsh, but there were many circumstances surrounding this, and he had many, many opportunities before...)  Since then, Andrew and I have both felt a freedom that we haven't felt since before we got married.  Our "Roommate" you see, had been living with us since before our first anniversary (September 2010) and didn't leave until March 2012.  No room for marital improvement when your husband spends a year away in the midst of that.  In pieces, but added up to almost a year.

I am so thankful for the support and encouragement that I received from both of our parents to kick him out and even Andrew supporting me, although it still bothers me that I was the one that had to protect our family, but God has still blessed us and our relationship because of it.

The encouragement in that is that even if you are in a similar place, facing money problems or whatever you feel the need to have a roommate, God is the best roommate that you can have.  The healthiest for a marriage too.  Be encouraged that you can make it through without having to go through what Andrew and I have.  The struggles will be hard, and will always be there, but make them easier to deal with, you married one another, you did not add a third person to your marriage.

Again, thanks for reading, I hope this encouraged you in one way shape or form.
Kayla