I get into a new routine and then something throws me off. As I sat down here to make a new post, I couldn't remember where I was at with our love story. So to review, I shared our meeting story, his first letter to me and a few bits and pieces of other parts. I think I will share another of his letters to me today. I don't have a vision for this post, so it is going to go wherever God leads it to go.
This letter is one of those things that brings you back to a certain place, a certain feeling and emotion. The place this one brings me, and you can come with me, is a cold winter night, bundled up in bed as I read this. It is close to Christmas so that jolly, joyful, expectant warmth is in the air on top of the cold. Hold on, here we go...
12/11/06
"Dear Kayla,
There are many things that I'm going to write that I would rather say in person. First off, when I saw you at your Christmas program I was struck by your beauty. My gosh! I can't get over it! I kept staring thinking the whole time you were up there, wow! Today at school I couldn't stop thinking about you. And when I was on my way home on Sunday before I read your letter I kept thinking that I don't deserve to even look at you! Wow, still can't get over it. It's not the first time I realized how beautiful you are either. Dang, I lost my thought...Oh yes, I remember now. There is a song that Demon Hunter sings that goes 'I found a dark infernal place I don't want to face anymore.' Well I've found that one dark infernal place that I don't want to face and that is a life without the friendship that I've found with you. Sounds kinda corny but that's what I've found to be true.
Kayla, I pray to God every day that you will find the right guy that God has for you. I don't care who he is, but I pray that he will be able to mend your "shattered" heart. And don't you be too sure that I wouldn't be able to break your heart (not that I want to, far from it!) unless I mean nothing at all to you. There is just as much chance that I can do it to you. So be careful, I'm just as human as you are. You're not the only one that can hurt someone.
You wanted to know if I thought you were the girl for me. Well I'm going to have to tell you that answer in person.
My letter wasn't meant to make you angry at yourself, and I'm upset that it made you mad/sad. I was thinking you should be mad at me. I can't control how you feel and that text was what I needed to see/hear. I reacted wrongly because I was jealous of Jake, you're wrong to beat yourself up. It was meant to show you how I felt and how I feel. I care very deeply for you. I want you to know that.
Don't be sorry that I felt hurt. I chose to feel that way. I should be asking you for forgiveness. So don't hate yourself. And well I wished I could have talked to you about that in person too...and holding you does sound like something I wish I could do right now! lol!
No, as far as I know you're not dreaming. If someone were to pinch you it would probably hurt. And I don't know why you. Better question, why me? What the heck did I do to deserve gaining a friend like you? I hope that this isn't a 'too good to be true' thing, cause I really don't want it to be. That would suck!
You know what I'm sick of? Writing. I wish I could just talk to you! This is my fault though so that's another thing I should ask forgiveness for. Sorry. Forgive me/
Hey if you ever compare me to Jake, I don't care! Compare away! If you feel you need to talk about him, by all means go for it! It really doesn't bother me, honest. And if you need to talk about anything else, go ahead. That's what I'm here for.
Oh man it's late! Well good night to you as well or whatever. I'm not grounded anymore so that's a bonus, and I'll be getting my phone back in a week or so! Well, I love you, and hope to be able to give this to you soon.
Your Special Friend,
Andrew"
Haha, as I was typing, I was realizing all of the things you are probably blanking on that he was touching on. I think that I will dig out my notes to him (yep, he saved all of them too!) and I will start sharing those ones as well.
As I reread all of these notes, he just blows me away all over again. While he hasn't changed since this time, life has changed around us and since our situation and relationship has changed, it appears that he may have. In truth though, he is just as dedicated and loyal and loving as this letter. There isn't a disloyal bone in my man's skinny body! <3 as="as" day="day" e="e" f="f" him.="him." i="i" is="is" just="just" met="met" more="more" nbsp="nbsp" not="not" p="p" so.="so." that="that" the="the" wonderful="wonderful">
I encourage all of you, whether dating, engaged or married, make a list of all of the things you love about that special someone. Put it somewhere safe so that in a few years if you are still with them (hopefully so) you can look back on that, especially if things are tough, and it can bring you back to that place of infatuation that I am feeling reliving all of this love.
As I am reminding myself the love of my husband, I am reminded as well that we really should be looking back on Christ's love for us in this same way. Every single word in that Bible of ours was put specifically to speak to each of us by God the Father. I love that God refers to himself as our Father. I get all warm and fuzzy feeling because of that. I probably have one of the best earthy father figures anyone could ever have. He is such a picture of the father that I feel God wants us to see him as. I am very thankful for that. I really need to make sure to take the time to appreciate the Father that God is to us every day. I have been very bad about keeping up with my personal quiet time and devotionals.
As I come into a new routine with a new baby and my two-year-old, I have to learn and really make a time to spend time with Jesus. As much as I have to TAKE the time to do anything else. It shouldn't be as hard as I make it to take the time for Him. I have such easy babies and all I do is give myself excuses or else I forget. It's time to stop that.
Speaking of new routine, I am pretty proud of myself. I have worked out twice in the last week and I have already lost 20 of my 35 baby pounds! Woohoo! I am so excited! Only three weeks out of the hospital and I am already that close to being pre-Parker! Then another 35 after that and I will be pre-babies all together! Next summer, get ready!
Well, thanks for reading again. I hope I encouraged you in some way, shape or form. It then makes my posts worth it!
<3 p="p">Kayla
Friday, November 30, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Baby Blessings
It's been a while, this time with good reason. Parker Norman joined our family on November 11, 2012 at 2:15 am. Weighing in at 7 pounds, 5 ounces and measuring 20 and 1/2 inches, he is healthy as can be and filling out well!
Sweet, isn't he? He is such a blessing, another very easy baby so far. It has been quite an experience adjusting to being a family of four and remembering what it takes to care for a new born while trying to keep your two-year old's schedule. Speaking of our two-year old...
He sure loves his little brother. He is such a good big brother. He just beams when he does things he thinks helps. He likes to turn the vibrator on on the baby chair and push Parker in the baby swing. He does well after a couple times of having to be reprimanded for being a little bit over-enthusiastic. He also loves to hold his brother and likes to stand by him and talk to him. It is just really very sweet.
On the other side of the sweetness though is a whole new adjustment...Bennett is still very unsure of having to share mom and dad and we have been fighting wining and crying and tantrums, things that as of now, I had experienced very little of from our oldest boy. My patience is definitely being tested and I have to remember to have grace on top of being firm and to be loving on top of punishing when necessary. I also am being tested in keeping my anger in check. He is so frustrating sometimes, it's hard to remember that he is only two and he just doesn't quite understand everything going on and is dealing with it in his own little way.
With Bennett, I was very hands off, let me do this myself kind and with Parker, I HAD to have Andrew touch me somehow. He was brave enough and self-less enough to get in the tub with me and what seemed the most comforting was laying my head on his shoulder while I tried to push. I held his hand for a while in one position, but that one didn't last long. When she moved me to the bed, the best thing was holding his hand and having it touch my face. There is something so comforting to me to have my husband's hands on my face.
He finally started coming out, and once part of his head made it out he started turning it back and forth. I cannot describe the pain that caused. On one hand it was such a relief to know that as he was coming out, there was so much life in the tiny baby that he was moving already, and at the same time, it felt as if the last hour and a half or so was in vain because it felt as though he was sucking back inside...at last, he came all the way out and my first question was "is he still a boy?" Haha! Just wanted to make sure! He sure was, healthy little Parker Norman!
I told Andrew as the ladies took him to get him breathing and cleaned out and all, "Let's not do this again" and he was REALLY taken aback. He replied with, "What, really?" We're done?" I chuckled and said, "No, we have to have more!" Such a special time, the birth of a child.
Our sons are such blessings, and I am so thankful for both of them and for their wonderful daddy!
Sweet, isn't he? He is such a blessing, another very easy baby so far. It has been quite an experience adjusting to being a family of four and remembering what it takes to care for a new born while trying to keep your two-year old's schedule. Speaking of our two-year old...
He sure loves his little brother. He is such a good big brother. He just beams when he does things he thinks helps. He likes to turn the vibrator on on the baby chair and push Parker in the baby swing. He does well after a couple times of having to be reprimanded for being a little bit over-enthusiastic. He also loves to hold his brother and likes to stand by him and talk to him. It is just really very sweet.
On the other side of the sweetness though is a whole new adjustment...Bennett is still very unsure of having to share mom and dad and we have been fighting wining and crying and tantrums, things that as of now, I had experienced very little of from our oldest boy. My patience is definitely being tested and I have to remember to have grace on top of being firm and to be loving on top of punishing when necessary. I also am being tested in keeping my anger in check. He is so frustrating sometimes, it's hard to remember that he is only two and he just doesn't quite understand everything going on and is dealing with it in his own little way.
Look at that proud daddy! I could not have asked for a better man for myself. He was so wonderful through the whole labor/birth/delivery/recovery. He is absolutely amazing and I am so thankful for him!
So the story? Well, we had friends over on Saturday (I was hoping playing games and laughing would put me into labor if I wasn't already there) to play games and just have some company. I had been experiencing contractions all day long but they were very inconsistent. They weren't like any contractions that I had experienced before though, they were very crampy and painful but not intense-you-can't-talk-through-them type. We played outside and threw the ball back and forth and chased Bennett around the yard some (it was almost 70 degrees out). So evening comes, Andrew came home a little early from work since he was concerned and I planned on just heading in around 7 pm since baby number 2 is so unpredictable.
6:30 pm came and I just really didn't want to go in yet so I waited it out a little longer, we played a game or two then decided to watch a movie to see if I could fall asleep and maybe everything would stop. It got to be close to 10 pm and I finally said, "if these get any worse, I can't do a 30 minute car ride to Amery" so we decided to head in, made arrangements for the dog, called my mom to alert her and off we went.
We got there at almost an 8 (again) and after that it was all hard work. Parker was much harder to push with than Bennett was. Mom took notes as to times when everything happened, I may share that another time. He still only took about an hour and a half of pushing time, everything else was just dealing with the painful contractions. I pushed a little in the tub but the positions just weren't working for me and my Dr was getting a little bit concerned so she moved me to the bed to push. It was horrifying for me not to birth in the tub, but it was what was working so I had to.
With Bennett, I was very hands off, let me do this myself kind and with Parker, I HAD to have Andrew touch me somehow. He was brave enough and self-less enough to get in the tub with me and what seemed the most comforting was laying my head on his shoulder while I tried to push. I held his hand for a while in one position, but that one didn't last long. When she moved me to the bed, the best thing was holding his hand and having it touch my face. There is something so comforting to me to have my husband's hands on my face.
He finally started coming out, and once part of his head made it out he started turning it back and forth. I cannot describe the pain that caused. On one hand it was such a relief to know that as he was coming out, there was so much life in the tiny baby that he was moving already, and at the same time, it felt as if the last hour and a half or so was in vain because it felt as though he was sucking back inside...at last, he came all the way out and my first question was "is he still a boy?" Haha! Just wanted to make sure! He sure was, healthy little Parker Norman!
I told Andrew as the ladies took him to get him breathing and cleaned out and all, "Let's not do this again" and he was REALLY taken aback. He replied with, "What, really?" We're done?" I chuckled and said, "No, we have to have more!" Such a special time, the birth of a child.
Our sons are such blessings, and I am so thankful for both of them and for their wonderful daddy!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
a little of him, a little of me
So, re-reading and typing out Andrew's letters to me has brought me back to that infatuation with him, and has been a very good reminder of what it was that just captured my heart. It has convicted me about my bitterness and resentment that the last three years have promoted in me and is making me check myself. I am doing a Mom Study with a friend, and we are finding that although the study applies to our "Mommying," at this point in our lives with our little ones being so little still, we are able to apply a lot of it to our marriages more easily than to our parenting. Tuesday's study touched on Proverbs 31 a little and I have always had a desire to abide by that chapter. So this morning, I decided to do a little in-depth study of it myself. Here is what came of that:
Proverbs 31:10-15
What is Noble Character?
Noble - Excellent, stately, imposing nature...
When I think of noble, I think of kings. The ones that were honorable, honest and the ones that were worth looking up to.
What does this mean for my life?
"Having or showing qualities of high moral character, such as courage, generosity or honor." -freedictionary.com
Live with high standards - high moral character, being above reproach. don't be afraid to face trouble, instead have the trust and strength to believe what God says is true. Even though we may have nothing, don't be afraid to give and share what we do have with others that may be in more need than we.
Can my husband have full confidence in me?
No. I have not proven myself in accomplishing the household tasks well or even to the best of my abilities. I let things get out of my control and choose to ignore them.
Have I brought him only good and not harm?
No. I have been rude, disrespectful and at times bitter toward him. None of that brings good. It harms and weakens him and our relationship, marriage and family.
Do I work with eager hands?
Eager - marked by urgent or enthusiastic desire or interest
Enthusiastic - strong warmth of feeling; keen interest; fervor (intensity, passion)
Sometimes. I am getting better about it, but most often I work with hands of duty.
How can verse 14 apply to my life?
I feel like, we live 5 minutes away from Walmart and the grocery store and I dread going shopping. It seems like so much work to have to drag Bennett in and out and pack him up and go pick bags and bags and bags up, where in reality, I don't have to go labor for it in the hot, hot sun, I have probably the easiest little guy in the world. All I have to do is go pick it off the shelves and swipe a card for it. I need to have a better attitude about it.
While not necessarily getting up before dark, do I get up at a set time, not sleeping in lazily? Am I diligent about providing square meals for my family?
No. I really need to start getting up at a regular time, regardless of Andrew getting up then or not. I need to be better focused on myself instead of feeling resentment because Andrew won't get up.
I'm not. I have intentions to, but that only goes so far. I need to buck up and really strive to break through and free from my laziness.
Out of these verses, what do I need to work on, this week, this month, this year?
* Exercising trusting God with my fears
*Conquer household tasks with eagerness and enthusiasm and fervor
*Make a daily schedule and stick to it
So there is a challenge to myself. Make myself better by God's hand and sculpting. With all of that said, I want to add a little bit of encouragement/discouragement...As I have STRUGGLED with a horrible, horrible laziness for the last three years, I have come to recognize it and the fact that it has been a stronghold in my house that my husband and I are STILL striving to break free from. It was revealed to me earlier this year that part of the stronghold sprouted from the roommate that we had living with us.
The discouragement is this, don't allow a live-in. Whether you are allowing them to "crash" there for a time, or whether you are opening your home to a friend in need. I don't recommend it. Some of you can probably work it just fine, others will be in the same situation as Andrew and I were at the time. We were half-broke, only one of us working, a friend of his was having to find a place and we thought the extra income would help. The assumption was he would be there for a month or two until he found his own place. This NEVER happened. He clung to us, took advantage of us and in turn, the struggles and issues that Andrew and I already had double and continued to multiply because, a.) we were displeasing God according to 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 English Standard Version (ESV),
9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
We were allowing that to LIVE in our house. Not only associate, but to LIVE with us...and b.) we had no privacy in our own home. Our "Roomie" had an equal half of everything and was using all of our possessions as well.
It can be argued that we were offering all of this according to God's will, but ultimately, we weren't. Andrew was doing it out of obligation and I was doing it out of submitting to Andrew with a bitter heart that he wasn't protecting our family and thinking of us first, only this roommate. Because Andrew and I hadn't been able to break through the laziness before this guy moved in, not to mention had life changing events in the meantime - new baby - basic training, things just got worse and worse. I would have spouts of strength to break through, but could never fully accomplish this.
Finally in March, I had the strength to take a step of faith and I packed our roommate up and told him to get out. (This may seem harsh, but there were many circumstances surrounding this, and he had many, many opportunities before...) Since then, Andrew and I have both felt a freedom that we haven't felt since before we got married. Our "Roommate" you see, had been living with us since before our first anniversary (September 2010) and didn't leave until March 2012. No room for marital improvement when your husband spends a year away in the midst of that. In pieces, but added up to almost a year.
I am so thankful for the support and encouragement that I received from both of our parents to kick him out and even Andrew supporting me, although it still bothers me that I was the one that had to protect our family, but God has still blessed us and our relationship because of it.
The encouragement in that is that even if you are in a similar place, facing money problems or whatever you feel the need to have a roommate, God is the best roommate that you can have. The healthiest for a marriage too. Be encouraged that you can make it through without having to go through what Andrew and I have. The struggles will be hard, and will always be there, but make them easier to deal with, you married one another, you did not add a third person to your marriage.
Again, thanks for reading, I hope this encouraged you in one way shape or form.
Kayla
Proverbs 31:10-15
The Woman Who Fears the Lord
10 [a] An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
(Bible Gateway - ESV)
What is Noble Character?
Noble - Excellent, stately, imposing nature...
When I think of noble, I think of kings. The ones that were honorable, honest and the ones that were worth looking up to.
What does this mean for my life?
"Having or showing qualities of high moral character, such as courage, generosity or honor." -freedictionary.com
Live with high standards - high moral character, being above reproach. don't be afraid to face trouble, instead have the trust and strength to believe what God says is true. Even though we may have nothing, don't be afraid to give and share what we do have with others that may be in more need than we.
Can my husband have full confidence in me?
No. I have not proven myself in accomplishing the household tasks well or even to the best of my abilities. I let things get out of my control and choose to ignore them.
Have I brought him only good and not harm?
No. I have been rude, disrespectful and at times bitter toward him. None of that brings good. It harms and weakens him and our relationship, marriage and family.
Do I work with eager hands?
Eager - marked by urgent or enthusiastic desire or interest
Enthusiastic - strong warmth of feeling; keen interest; fervor (intensity, passion)
Sometimes. I am getting better about it, but most often I work with hands of duty.
How can verse 14 apply to my life?
I feel like, we live 5 minutes away from Walmart and the grocery store and I dread going shopping. It seems like so much work to have to drag Bennett in and out and pack him up and go pick bags and bags and bags up, where in reality, I don't have to go labor for it in the hot, hot sun, I have probably the easiest little guy in the world. All I have to do is go pick it off the shelves and swipe a card for it. I need to have a better attitude about it.
While not necessarily getting up before dark, do I get up at a set time, not sleeping in lazily? Am I diligent about providing square meals for my family?
No. I really need to start getting up at a regular time, regardless of Andrew getting up then or not. I need to be better focused on myself instead of feeling resentment because Andrew won't get up.
I'm not. I have intentions to, but that only goes so far. I need to buck up and really strive to break through and free from my laziness.
Out of these verses, what do I need to work on, this week, this month, this year?
* Exercising trusting God with my fears
*Conquer household tasks with eagerness and enthusiasm and fervor
*Make a daily schedule and stick to it
So there is a challenge to myself. Make myself better by God's hand and sculpting. With all of that said, I want to add a little bit of encouragement/discouragement...As I have STRUGGLED with a horrible, horrible laziness for the last three years, I have come to recognize it and the fact that it has been a stronghold in my house that my husband and I are STILL striving to break free from. It was revealed to me earlier this year that part of the stronghold sprouted from the roommate that we had living with us.
The discouragement is this, don't allow a live-in. Whether you are allowing them to "crash" there for a time, or whether you are opening your home to a friend in need. I don't recommend it. Some of you can probably work it just fine, others will be in the same situation as Andrew and I were at the time. We were half-broke, only one of us working, a friend of his was having to find a place and we thought the extra income would help. The assumption was he would be there for a month or two until he found his own place. This NEVER happened. He clung to us, took advantage of us and in turn, the struggles and issues that Andrew and I already had double and continued to multiply because, a.) we were displeasing God according to 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 English Standard Version (ESV),
9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
We were allowing that to LIVE in our house. Not only associate, but to LIVE with us...and b.) we had no privacy in our own home. Our "Roomie" had an equal half of everything and was using all of our possessions as well.
It can be argued that we were offering all of this according to God's will, but ultimately, we weren't. Andrew was doing it out of obligation and I was doing it out of submitting to Andrew with a bitter heart that he wasn't protecting our family and thinking of us first, only this roommate. Because Andrew and I hadn't been able to break through the laziness before this guy moved in, not to mention had life changing events in the meantime - new baby - basic training, things just got worse and worse. I would have spouts of strength to break through, but could never fully accomplish this.
Finally in March, I had the strength to take a step of faith and I packed our roommate up and told him to get out. (This may seem harsh, but there were many circumstances surrounding this, and he had many, many opportunities before...) Since then, Andrew and I have both felt a freedom that we haven't felt since before we got married. Our "Roommate" you see, had been living with us since before our first anniversary (September 2010) and didn't leave until March 2012. No room for marital improvement when your husband spends a year away in the midst of that. In pieces, but added up to almost a year.
I am so thankful for the support and encouragement that I received from both of our parents to kick him out and even Andrew supporting me, although it still bothers me that I was the one that had to protect our family, but God has still blessed us and our relationship because of it.
The encouragement in that is that even if you are in a similar place, facing money problems or whatever you feel the need to have a roommate, God is the best roommate that you can have. The healthiest for a marriage too. Be encouraged that you can make it through without having to go through what Andrew and I have. The struggles will be hard, and will always be there, but make them easier to deal with, you married one another, you did not add a third person to your marriage.
Again, thanks for reading, I hope this encouraged you in one way shape or form.
Kayla
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
a love story unfolds...part 2
To start today off, I just have to say that I have the best little boy in the world. He is so independent and at the same time personable, I just love it. I am so proud of him. He loves to pull out the color books and then asks me for the crayons and after I hand him anything he responds with, "Thanks, Mom!" It just tickles my heart so much!
Anyways, to continue the love story, I thought I might share one of the letters that Andrew had written to me. It is the letter that my excerpt from yesterday came from and as I re-read the whole thing it gave me the shivers just to see that love that he had for me before I ever even accepted it...
"Ha, ha! My parents haven't grounded me from all forms of communication! Victory! Lol! These past two weeks have been hell! Not being able to see you (except for that one Wednesday and the pictures in my desk!) or talk to you has been killing me inside. There has been something that has been bothering me though. When I have this much time on my hands I tend to think about things as you may have noticed. And when I think, it is generally about you. So there I was, thinking about the last real time we did anything together which was Operation Christmas Child and I remembered when we were talking about that text that you sent to me about how you still have feelings for **** and that you thought it would probably hurt me. That's what's been bothering me. On the bus I never told you how I really felt about it and its been bothering me. When I received that text it did hurt, a lot. And immediately that hurt turned into anger which turned into hate. I hated everything. I hated ****, I hated you, I hated everything about me. Honestly I didn't want to look at you for days. And then the pain grew the next day along with my hate and it ate at me. Then I started to think and dwell on why I was so angry. While I was thinking about it I figured it out. The reason I was so angry and hateful and hurt was because I loved you. And when you love someone and they tell you they love someone else still it's going to hurt. But I realized I reacted wrongly. I found myself thinking what it would be like not being with you and that hurt even more than the text message. So after I figured that I was a moron and was stupid to hate the one person I can't be without. I just thought I should tell you. Probably not what you wanted to read but I had to tell you because it was eating at me.
Then I started to think again (which has become one of my favorite things to do lately) about you. Then I started to think about Topher Grace. Wow! I've never been more jealous of anyone in my life! But I remembered you telling me that I had stolen your heart which made me feel better. Then I started to think about that and realized that I don't want to be a thief. I don't want to take something that isn't mine to have. So you shouldn't let me steal your heart. You should keep it and give it to whoever that one person God has for you. Hearts are fragile things. I don't want yours if I'm not supposed to, cuz I don't want to break it.
Anyways, I would love to hear from you! Whether you call me or whatever. I can't think of anything else to write. Probably because I'm watching Batman Begins. Gerat movie! Hey they're coming out with Spiderman 3 in May! Thought you might like to know that! So yeah I'll talk to you later. Have a great week!
Yours Truely,
Andrew Nelson
P.s. Spiderman turns evil! Ha! Which means Batman is way better! Ha ha!"
My husband is so eloquent with words when he wants to be. I loved and so cherished our writing back and forth. It's amazing how I look back now and see how truly he did love me and I just never let myself accept it...how blind we can be when we choose to. It's a good thing God can take the blind and make them see.
My suggestion for you today, if you haven't done it recently, write a love note to your significant other, or someone that is very special to you. You never know how much they will appreciate a simple letter.
Thanks for reading,
Kayla
Anyways, to continue the love story, I thought I might share one of the letters that Andrew had written to me. It is the letter that my excerpt from yesterday came from and as I re-read the whole thing it gave me the shivers just to see that love that he had for me before I ever even accepted it...
"Ha, ha! My parents haven't grounded me from all forms of communication! Victory! Lol! These past two weeks have been hell! Not being able to see you (except for that one Wednesday and the pictures in my desk!) or talk to you has been killing me inside. There has been something that has been bothering me though. When I have this much time on my hands I tend to think about things as you may have noticed. And when I think, it is generally about you. So there I was, thinking about the last real time we did anything together which was Operation Christmas Child and I remembered when we were talking about that text that you sent to me about how you still have feelings for **** and that you thought it would probably hurt me. That's what's been bothering me. On the bus I never told you how I really felt about it and its been bothering me. When I received that text it did hurt, a lot. And immediately that hurt turned into anger which turned into hate. I hated everything. I hated ****, I hated you, I hated everything about me. Honestly I didn't want to look at you for days. And then the pain grew the next day along with my hate and it ate at me. Then I started to think and dwell on why I was so angry. While I was thinking about it I figured it out. The reason I was so angry and hateful and hurt was because I loved you. And when you love someone and they tell you they love someone else still it's going to hurt. But I realized I reacted wrongly. I found myself thinking what it would be like not being with you and that hurt even more than the text message. So after I figured that I was a moron and was stupid to hate the one person I can't be without. I just thought I should tell you. Probably not what you wanted to read but I had to tell you because it was eating at me.
Then I started to think again (which has become one of my favorite things to do lately) about you. Then I started to think about Topher Grace. Wow! I've never been more jealous of anyone in my life! But I remembered you telling me that I had stolen your heart which made me feel better. Then I started to think about that and realized that I don't want to be a thief. I don't want to take something that isn't mine to have. So you shouldn't let me steal your heart. You should keep it and give it to whoever that one person God has for you. Hearts are fragile things. I don't want yours if I'm not supposed to, cuz I don't want to break it.
Anyways, I would love to hear from you! Whether you call me or whatever. I can't think of anything else to write. Probably because I'm watching Batman Begins. Gerat movie! Hey they're coming out with Spiderman 3 in May! Thought you might like to know that! So yeah I'll talk to you later. Have a great week!
Yours Truely,
Andrew Nelson
P.s. Spiderman turns evil! Ha! Which means Batman is way better! Ha ha!"
 |
| our second anniversary date to the Twins game! |
My husband is so eloquent with words when he wants to be. I loved and so cherished our writing back and forth. It's amazing how I look back now and see how truly he did love me and I just never let myself accept it...how blind we can be when we choose to. It's a good thing God can take the blind and make them see.
My suggestion for you today, if you haven't done it recently, write a love note to your significant other, or someone that is very special to you. You never know how much they will appreciate a simple letter.
Thanks for reading,
Kayla
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
a love story unfolds...part 1
I got to thinking this morning about what to post about today (since I am trying to post every day now) and there were so many things that came to mind...I could post about my silly Facebook status updates that I tend to have run though my mind anytime I think something. "I just really love how my belly is a perfect ball in front of me," or "It's going to be one of those kinds of days, Bennett woke up grouchy..." and so on.
Then I started thinking about what I wanted to do today. I have been in a very hard-core, clean, arrange, re-arrange, sort, organize ect and I had the fun idea to paint our bedroom door and put a phrase on it. Obviously I began trying to think of phrases and one of the ones that came to mind was a saying that my husband wrote to me before I ever considered dating him...
"I don't want to be a thief; I don't want to take something that isn't mine to have. You shouldn't let me steal your heart, you should keep it and give it to whoever that one person God has for you. Hearts are fragile things. I don't want yours if I'm not supposed to, cuz I don't wanna break it."
My thought was to rephrase it to be shorter, and simpler and then I began to think, I never posted about how we met. So I thought I would share our story with you today...
Our paths crossed many, many times and we had never even known it. After we got married, Andrew confessed to me one day that he had seen me at Valley Fair (I had gone with a friend that attended the same youth group that Andrew did) running and jumping off a bench and screaming while I did it. He turned to a mutual friend and said, "I will never date a girl like that!" We criss-crossed through youth group events like that off and on. I actually have photos of both of us in them before we ever even met. It's always so fun to see how God paves the way for relationships.
Our youth groups decided to go on a missions trip to New Orleans together. It was the first one that I decided to attend and Andrew allowed to attend. I had just been breaking free of a stalking, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and God really had some huge plans for my heart and soul down there. My ex actually decided to go on the missions trip as well, and at the time I was trying to keep complete distance with him, not talk to him, not even be in the same room with him for the time being, so I took the separate van instead of the bus. Andrew and I still had no idea about one another.
We got down there after a long, long, long ride with loopy drivers ;) and singing songs about having to pee and making signs to show the bus that we needed to pull over. The girls set up in one building, the guys in another (there have been some pretty fantastic stories about what unfolded in the guys room that first night). Things progressed, Andrew and I ended up meeting because of another mutual friend and a "group" of us formed. We all had fun and laughed a lot. My ex and I began trying to be friends again, and things just went too far again. He started getting too attached, I began letting my guard down and leading him on in a way and from there we had a good ole down-hill tumble. He began stalking me again, and thankfully (now) my mom was on the trip with us for support, I even went to our youth leader about it. The advice I received was to just stay away from one-another for the rest of the trip.
So as Andrew and I grew closer on the trip, my ex grew more and more jealous and angry that I was hanging out with other guys. At one point, he confronted me on the bus and I was horrified, I was so scared that he would hurt me physically he was so angry. By this time, most people in both youth groups seemed to avoid me, some of the "leaders" in our group confronted my mom, telling her she just needed to let me deal with things and stay out of it. A couple of girls confronted my only reliable friend and told her to keep her nose in her own business as well. It seemed as if everyone had abandoned me. Except Andrew. And a few of our other, mutual friends. One night, my ex stalked me around the lunch room, I was scared, and unsure of what to do, I remember my only thought being "I just want to be with Andrew right now." Whether that thought was actually out of the love that was blossoming hidden deep in my heart at the time, or just a "he's a strong guy that I can hide by" thing, I don't know.
Finally, it was time to head home and we tried to get Andrew permission to ride the van home with me. His mom's first response was "What girl did you meet?" Haha! Oh a mother's intuition! Unfortunately she didn't allow it. We just had to text back and forth the whole time...yea, I had very SUBTLY asked him if I could use his phone to text mine to alert a friend...clearly, Andrew would have never caught on to me TAKING his number!
Once we got back, we just kept on with our friendship. At one point, he asked me out and I said yes, but it was on the DL and I broke up with him just because. I really don't remember why. The clearest thing I remember about that fuzzy time is that I just went downhill with my relationship with Jesus, I lost most of my friends, clinging to the unhealthy ones and going after guys that weren't worthy my time of day. Andrew was the most solid friend I had through the whole time. He would proclaim his love to me in subtle ways and I would just shove it aside, thinking to myself, "I don't deserve someone as good as him," or "he's too skinny," or "too shy," and just completely trying to avoid and talk myself out of his love.
The day I finally accepted it was interesting. I had been "seeing" this guy, without my parents's permission, or knowing (mom and dad I am so very sorry, and for obvious reasons didn't tell you about this guy) only seeing him while I hung out with my one girlfriend. He was a very unhealthy person for me to be around. He was 23, I was 18 (I think) and because of my doubt and anger and hurt from the missions trip and all that had unfolded with "Christians" I had thrown out almost all that I had believed in and stood by. I cannot tell you how many times I debated with myself about giving all of me to this undeserving man. I truly believe that because my parents named me Kayla (pure one) and called me that all of my life, and because I have a praying Mother, those are the reasons that I staid pure and didn't cross ANY lines with this guy. But, coming back to accepting Andrew's love...I received a text message that morning around seven from my friend saying that "Chris and Alexis had sex last night."
I was numb. I really didn't feel anything because I just expected it. I knew it would happen sooner or later and I had no heart attachment to this guy. But being dramatic, I sent Andrew a text about needing him, he didn't respond, I believe I called him once or twice, and then sent him a text saying, "I could really use a friend right now." He finally called me back and I don't remember the whole conversation, the part I do remember though has and always will stick with me...I told him what had happened, and his first response was, "Kayla, why are you being so stupid?"
Not exactly the response I was looking for, but at the same time it was...He was the first person to call it how it was. He said something else about how I always go for the guys that will hurt me and the ones that don't really care about me and that's when it dawned on me that Andrew was the very first and only guy to care about me so much to call me stupid to my ear. He was so angry with me at this point that he didn't even care if he hurt me. He just wanted me to see that there are guys out there so much better that I could be looking for (like himself).
So from there, my summer just got better and better and my relationship with Jesus grew and grew, to be honest, I am still fighting to come back to the point that I was before all of this went down, but I have had ups and downs, but the thing that still rings true is that Andrew was my very first TRUE love. And always will be. He was my best friend before ever being considered a candidate for husband and he has been the best friend a girl could possibly ask for.
Best friend, wonderful Daddy, good provider, honest, solid, I am just so thankful for him and so thankful for the twisty ways that God moves and shapes us even through our most pathetic mistakes and blatant disobedience.
So there you have it, our meeting story, kind of. I left out the part of Andrew knowing from the first time he saw me on the trip that God told him he would marry me and other little details like that, but perhaps I will ask Andrew's version and share that one day.
Thanks for reading, have a blessed day!
Kayla
Then I started thinking about what I wanted to do today. I have been in a very hard-core, clean, arrange, re-arrange, sort, organize ect and I had the fun idea to paint our bedroom door and put a phrase on it. Obviously I began trying to think of phrases and one of the ones that came to mind was a saying that my husband wrote to me before I ever considered dating him...
"I don't want to be a thief; I don't want to take something that isn't mine to have. You shouldn't let me steal your heart, you should keep it and give it to whoever that one person God has for you. Hearts are fragile things. I don't want yours if I'm not supposed to, cuz I don't wanna break it."
My thought was to rephrase it to be shorter, and simpler and then I began to think, I never posted about how we met. So I thought I would share our story with you today...
Our paths crossed many, many times and we had never even known it. After we got married, Andrew confessed to me one day that he had seen me at Valley Fair (I had gone with a friend that attended the same youth group that Andrew did) running and jumping off a bench and screaming while I did it. He turned to a mutual friend and said, "I will never date a girl like that!" We criss-crossed through youth group events like that off and on. I actually have photos of both of us in them before we ever even met. It's always so fun to see how God paves the way for relationships.
Our youth groups decided to go on a missions trip to New Orleans together. It was the first one that I decided to attend and Andrew allowed to attend. I had just been breaking free of a stalking, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and God really had some huge plans for my heart and soul down there. My ex actually decided to go on the missions trip as well, and at the time I was trying to keep complete distance with him, not talk to him, not even be in the same room with him for the time being, so I took the separate van instead of the bus. Andrew and I still had no idea about one another.
We got down there after a long, long, long ride with loopy drivers ;) and singing songs about having to pee and making signs to show the bus that we needed to pull over. The girls set up in one building, the guys in another (there have been some pretty fantastic stories about what unfolded in the guys room that first night). Things progressed, Andrew and I ended up meeting because of another mutual friend and a "group" of us formed. We all had fun and laughed a lot. My ex and I began trying to be friends again, and things just went too far again. He started getting too attached, I began letting my guard down and leading him on in a way and from there we had a good ole down-hill tumble. He began stalking me again, and thankfully (now) my mom was on the trip with us for support, I even went to our youth leader about it. The advice I received was to just stay away from one-another for the rest of the trip.
So as Andrew and I grew closer on the trip, my ex grew more and more jealous and angry that I was hanging out with other guys. At one point, he confronted me on the bus and I was horrified, I was so scared that he would hurt me physically he was so angry. By this time, most people in both youth groups seemed to avoid me, some of the "leaders" in our group confronted my mom, telling her she just needed to let me deal with things and stay out of it. A couple of girls confronted my only reliable friend and told her to keep her nose in her own business as well. It seemed as if everyone had abandoned me. Except Andrew. And a few of our other, mutual friends. One night, my ex stalked me around the lunch room, I was scared, and unsure of what to do, I remember my only thought being "I just want to be with Andrew right now." Whether that thought was actually out of the love that was blossoming hidden deep in my heart at the time, or just a "he's a strong guy that I can hide by" thing, I don't know.
Finally, it was time to head home and we tried to get Andrew permission to ride the van home with me. His mom's first response was "What girl did you meet?" Haha! Oh a mother's intuition! Unfortunately she didn't allow it. We just had to text back and forth the whole time...yea, I had very SUBTLY asked him if I could use his phone to text mine to alert a friend...clearly, Andrew would have never caught on to me TAKING his number!
Once we got back, we just kept on with our friendship. At one point, he asked me out and I said yes, but it was on the DL and I broke up with him just because. I really don't remember why. The clearest thing I remember about that fuzzy time is that I just went downhill with my relationship with Jesus, I lost most of my friends, clinging to the unhealthy ones and going after guys that weren't worthy my time of day. Andrew was the most solid friend I had through the whole time. He would proclaim his love to me in subtle ways and I would just shove it aside, thinking to myself, "I don't deserve someone as good as him," or "he's too skinny," or "too shy," and just completely trying to avoid and talk myself out of his love.
The day I finally accepted it was interesting. I had been "seeing" this guy, without my parents's permission, or knowing (mom and dad I am so very sorry, and for obvious reasons didn't tell you about this guy) only seeing him while I hung out with my one girlfriend. He was a very unhealthy person for me to be around. He was 23, I was 18 (I think) and because of my doubt and anger and hurt from the missions trip and all that had unfolded with "Christians" I had thrown out almost all that I had believed in and stood by. I cannot tell you how many times I debated with myself about giving all of me to this undeserving man. I truly believe that because my parents named me Kayla (pure one) and called me that all of my life, and because I have a praying Mother, those are the reasons that I staid pure and didn't cross ANY lines with this guy. But, coming back to accepting Andrew's love...I received a text message that morning around seven from my friend saying that "Chris and Alexis had sex last night."
I was numb. I really didn't feel anything because I just expected it. I knew it would happen sooner or later and I had no heart attachment to this guy. But being dramatic, I sent Andrew a text about needing him, he didn't respond, I believe I called him once or twice, and then sent him a text saying, "I could really use a friend right now." He finally called me back and I don't remember the whole conversation, the part I do remember though has and always will stick with me...I told him what had happened, and his first response was, "Kayla, why are you being so stupid?"
Not exactly the response I was looking for, but at the same time it was...He was the first person to call it how it was. He said something else about how I always go for the guys that will hurt me and the ones that don't really care about me and that's when it dawned on me that Andrew was the very first and only guy to care about me so much to call me stupid to my ear. He was so angry with me at this point that he didn't even care if he hurt me. He just wanted me to see that there are guys out there so much better that I could be looking for (like himself).
So from there, my summer just got better and better and my relationship with Jesus grew and grew, to be honest, I am still fighting to come back to the point that I was before all of this went down, but I have had ups and downs, but the thing that still rings true is that Andrew was my very first TRUE love. And always will be. He was my best friend before ever being considered a candidate for husband and he has been the best friend a girl could possibly ask for.
Best friend, wonderful Daddy, good provider, honest, solid, I am just so thankful for him and so thankful for the twisty ways that God moves and shapes us even through our most pathetic mistakes and blatant disobedience.
So there you have it, our meeting story, kind of. I left out the part of Andrew knowing from the first time he saw me on the trip that God told him he would marry me and other little details like that, but perhaps I will ask Andrew's version and share that one day.
Thanks for reading, have a blessed day!
Kayla
Monday, November 5, 2012
committing to commit again...
Ok, so it has really been a long time since I posted last...too long really. I have my house all organized, an extra room in the basement, no roommate, a new baby on the way, and more changes have happened since my last post.
I am choosing to get off of Facebook for good because I am tired of the conflict that it creates and how available it makes you, being able to have it on the cell phone and so on. I am dedicating to updating this blog, my business blog and my website to stay current. If you would like to stay up to date with our little family's happenings, subscribe to this blog, if you would like to stay up to date with my business, be sure to check my website often, and subscribe to my business blog, http://elementphotos.wordpress.com/.
Just as a fun, "re-start" some family photos from this year...I still have yet to decide what to do about a Christmas card since Baby is due tomorrow and I don't want to do photos of myself right after Baby comes...but we'll see. If anyone has suggestions, feel free to comment, or email!
Ta ta for now!
Kayla
I am choosing to get off of Facebook for good because I am tired of the conflict that it creates and how available it makes you, being able to have it on the cell phone and so on. I am dedicating to updating this blog, my business blog and my website to stay current. If you would like to stay up to date with our little family's happenings, subscribe to this blog, if you would like to stay up to date with my business, be sure to check my website often, and subscribe to my business blog, http://elementphotos.wordpress.com/.
Just as a fun, "re-start" some family photos from this year...I still have yet to decide what to do about a Christmas card since Baby is due tomorrow and I don't want to do photos of myself right after Baby comes...but we'll see. If anyone has suggestions, feel free to comment, or email!
Ta ta for now!
Kayla
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