a little of him, a little of me

So, re-reading and typing out Andrew's letters to me has brought me back to that infatuation with him, and has been a very good reminder of what it was that just captured my heart.  It has convicted me about my bitterness and resentment that the last three years have promoted in me and is making me check myself.  I am doing a Mom Study with a friend, and we are finding that although the study applies to our "Mommying," at this point in our lives with our little ones being so little still, we are able to apply a lot of it to our marriages more easily than to our parenting.  Tuesday's study touched on Proverbs 31 a little and I have always had a desire to abide by that chapter.  So this morning, I decided to do a little in-depth study of it myself.  Here is what came of that:

Proverbs 31:10-15

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

^10 [a] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.

(Bible Gateway - ESV)

What is Noble Character?
Noble - Excellent, stately, imposing nature...
When I think of noble, I think of kings.  The ones that were honorable, honest and the ones that were worth looking up to.

What does this mean for my life?
"Having or showing qualities of high moral character, such as courage, generosity or honor." -freedictionary.com
Live with high standards - high moral character, being above reproach.  don't be afraid to face trouble, instead have the trust and strength to believe what God says is true.  Even though we may have nothing, don't be afraid to give and share what we do have with others that may be in more need than we.

Can my husband have full confidence in me?
No.  I have not proven myself in accomplishing the household tasks well or even to the best of my abilities.  I let things get out of my control and choose to ignore them.

Have I brought him only good and not harm?
No.  I have been rude, disrespectful and at times bitter toward him.  None of that brings good.  It harms and weakens him and our relationship, marriage and family.

Do I work with eager hands?
Eager - marked by urgent or enthusiastic desire or interest
Enthusiastic - strong warmth of feeling; keen interest; fervor (intensity, passion)
Sometimes.  I am getting better about it, but most often I work with hands of duty.

How can verse 14 apply to my life?
I feel like, we live 5 minutes away from Walmart and the grocery store and I dread going shopping.  It seems like so much work to have to drag Bennett in and out and pack him up and go pick bags and bags and bags up, where in reality, I don't have to go labor for it in the hot, hot sun, I have probably the easiest little guy in the world.  All I have to do is go pick it off the shelves and swipe a card for it.  I need to have a better attitude about it.

While not necessarily getting up before dark, do I get up at a set time, not sleeping in lazily?  Am I diligent about providing square meals for my family?
No.  I really need to start getting up at a regular time, regardless of Andrew getting up then or not.  I need to be better focused on myself instead of feeling resentment because Andrew won't get up.
I'm not.  I have intentions to, but that only goes so far.  I need to buck up and really strive to break through and free from my laziness.

Out of these verses, what do I need to work on, this week, this month, this year?
* Exercising trusting God with my fears
*Conquer household tasks with eagerness and enthusiasm and fervor
*Make a daily schedule and stick to it

So there is a challenge to myself.  Make myself better by God's hand and sculpting.  With all of that said, I want to add a little bit of encouragement/discouragement...As I have STRUGGLED with a horrible, horrible laziness for the last three years, I have come to recognize it and the fact that it has been a stronghold in my house that my husband and I are STILL striving to break free from.  It was revealed to me earlier this year that part of the stronghold sprouted from the roommate that we had living with us.

The discouragement is this, don't allow a live-in.  Whether you are allowing them to "crash" there for a time, or whether you are opening your home to a friend in need.  I don't recommend it.  Some of you can probably work it just fine, others will be in the same situation as Andrew and I were at the time.  We were half-broke, only one of us working, a friend of his was having to find a place and we thought the extra income would help.  The assumption was he would be there for a month or two until he found his own place.  This NEVER happened.  He clung to us, took advantage of us and in turn, the struggles and issues that Andrew and I already had double and continued to multiply because, a.) we were displeasing God according to 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 English Standard Version (ESV),
⁹ I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰ not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. ¹¹ But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 
We were allowing that to LIVE in our house.  Not only associate, but to LIVE with us...and b.) we had no privacy in our own home.  Our "Roomie" had an equal half of everything and was using all of our possessions as well.

It can be argued that we were offering all of this according to God's will, but ultimately, we weren't.  Andrew was doing it out of obligation and I was doing it out of submitting to Andrew with a bitter heart that he wasn't protecting our family and thinking of us first, only this roommate.  Because Andrew and I hadn't been able to break through the laziness before this guy moved in, not to mention had life changing events in the meantime - new baby - basic training, things just got worse and worse.  I would have spouts of strength to break through, but could never fully accomplish this.

Finally in March, I had the strength to take a step of faith and I packed our roommate up and told him to get out.  (This may seem harsh, but there were many circumstances surrounding this, and he had many, many opportunities before...)  Since then, Andrew and I have both felt a freedom that we haven't felt since before we got married.  Our "Roommate" you see, had been living with us since before our first anniversary (September 2010) and didn't leave until March 2012.  No room for marital improvement when your husband spends a year away in the midst of that.  In pieces, but added up to almost a year.

I am so thankful for the support and encouragement that I received from both of our parents to kick him out and even Andrew supporting me, although it still bothers me that I was the one that had to protect our family, but God has still blessed us and our relationship because of it.

The encouragement in that is that even if you are in a similar place, facing money problems or whatever you feel the need to have a roommate, God is the best roommate that you can have.  The healthiest for a marriage too.  Be encouraged that you can make it through without having to go through what Andrew and I have.  The struggles will be hard, and will always be there, but make them easier to deal with, you married one another, you did not add a third person to your marriage.

Again, thanks for reading, I hope this encouraged you in one way shape or form.
Kayla